My people

I mostly use this blog thing to whine. The weather, the people, the youth ministry, american culture, the wacko scientologists... you name it.
This time, this is different. As you probably know, I am from Mexico. A latino in case you didn't know that Mexico is a country and thought that mexican was just another way to say 'not american, short, with darker skin funny eyes and big nose, usually chubby'.
Being in the States makes me miss what I left behind. This is such a cold culture. I miss it back home I guess. Lately I've been searching news about bands in Mexico and Latin American in general and I have found joy and inspiration.
Marcos Witt, RoJO, Jesus Adrian Romero, Danilo Montero, Elena Witt, Libertad Band, Edgar Lira, Muertos una Vez, all of these names probably you've never heard before, but still, these people are making a HUGE difference in not only L.America but all around the world. All of these are either musicians or worship leaders.
I find that I feel closer to God through music. I know that even in my deepest darkness, if I play a worship song, Digno eres Tu by RoJO or Hasta que ya no respire mas, EVERYTIME God will speak to me. It's like this songs are tatooed in my soul and everytime i hear them something ignites inside of me that inspires me to be the man I can be.
I know I screw up and in general my power of will sucks. I know I break God's heart almost everyday and it hurts that I can't help it. But lately, hearing what's happening in my country and all around, with people that, some of them I know. Hearing the needs and mostly the advances in ministry that are being made...I am excited to the max about it.
In not knowing where I belong I find that home, where I was born is always there for me. It burns inside of me. A passion for my people and the burning ache that I have not forgotten the land I left behind, and I am fighting here.
That I have found many good things here, but I never want to lose that capacity to be in awe. To be surprised. I have found that americans, because they usually give 'the next big thing', they are hardly ever surprised. They've tried everything, they've done it before like that, it just doesn't work like that, and we need to boost the schock value otherwise our message won't go through.

Spoiled. Give us a fun game before the band plays and a message with no slides but that talks to us about the truth of the Kingdom. Don't give us games and money and free pizza but a purpose in life. Don't tell them they need more rules and boundaries, but instead give them a sense of what Jesus wants for their lives, but mostly why He does. Let them help people and impact their community. It burns in them. Don't ever stop because someone's done it before and they failed. Don't ever stop because you think 'kids won't respond'. Young people are the people who can change our culture. They are the new music, the new art, the new leaders and the new preachers. We are the current big thing.
In my country it's more tha enough just to know that we'll always have the friends. That we have each other all the time. Even with no money, no fancy building with videogames or even free anything. We have each other and we have God. We are not alone.

In my life I've never felt more alone than since I got here to Florida. A friend of mine pointed that I am discontent. Fair observation. However, just by seeing the myspaces of people around Latin America and what they're doing. The new music and who they are, I can feel the latin embrace again in my heart, and for once, it's not so lonely anymore.

Two men

All my life I've been someone. Or, at the very least, the search of someone. Life goes like this. You are born, you start to get a sense of self, not only from what your parents try to teach you, but mostly from what others are. Which, in that sense, 'others' include your parents. So basically you are who others make you.
Me, I knew from the beginning I would have problems with rules. I always sucked as a student. Never did homework, never took notes, I was late for class, never studied, I even got a teacher fired. I always found that the people that bored and that for some celestial reason they were above me I would do everything I could do to rattle them, make their lives impossible and hate me. Why, I don't know.
These past months have been a discovery. I guess I am more aware than ever that I am a christian. Whether the failures or the constant exposure to ministry I have. The fact that I do this for a living or whatever the reason, I've never been more aware of it than now, and it's never hurt so much.
See... I am used to be who I am. I am used to be quick and short. I like things my way, I am a smartass and I dismiss people who in my eyes are not worth the effort. I know i am very emotional, don't get me wrong here, but for some reason, being a jerk just happens naturally to me. It's just easier. Makes more sense if you will.
Being a christian for me, so far, has been a journey of the few moments of joy where God and I meet. Most of those times have been when I fall to my knees and pour the filth out of my heart to Him, and He handles the rest of it.
There's a song by Switchfoot that talks about how he's on fire when He's near him, he's on fire when He speaks. It's like that with me. I can be on fire so long but I guess I become too aware that I am on fire and it feels like that. Like a moment. So short and so fragile, that it will eventually die on its own.
It's like I know I'm trying and I know I'm doing my best to do things differently. To be a better man and to be who I can be. But in that awareness I find discomfort and disappointment, because it doesn't feel natural. You may argue that 'of course it doesn't feel natural! we're all sinners'. I agree. But I am also a new creature through Him.
Most of the time, I don't feel like one.
I said at the beginning that we are what others make us. This is true, but it's incomplete. There's also what God says about us, and that is what's true.

I am stuck between two men. One, the one I know. I am him everyday and it's easy and full of sense. It suits me well. If you asked anyone about me, you would get a description of this 'man A'.
Then there's 'man B'. The man who is burning inside to know God and please Him. Who has a deep calling from above to make a difference and impact wherever he is. THe man who is victorious and a warrior. The man who is not afraid and is led by the King.

Regretfully, man B rarely shows up, and usually late. Man B is God's man, the one He says I am, and I believe Him. I just fight like Jacob fought until he got that everlasting mark. He would never be the same after that fight. I am in that fight, and I'm not winning.