Two men

All my life I've been someone. Or, at the very least, the search of someone. Life goes like this. You are born, you start to get a sense of self, not only from what your parents try to teach you, but mostly from what others are. Which, in that sense, 'others' include your parents. So basically you are who others make you.
Me, I knew from the beginning I would have problems with rules. I always sucked as a student. Never did homework, never took notes, I was late for class, never studied, I even got a teacher fired. I always found that the people that bored and that for some celestial reason they were above me I would do everything I could do to rattle them, make their lives impossible and hate me. Why, I don't know.
These past months have been a discovery. I guess I am more aware than ever that I am a christian. Whether the failures or the constant exposure to ministry I have. The fact that I do this for a living or whatever the reason, I've never been more aware of it than now, and it's never hurt so much.
See... I am used to be who I am. I am used to be quick and short. I like things my way, I am a smartass and I dismiss people who in my eyes are not worth the effort. I know i am very emotional, don't get me wrong here, but for some reason, being a jerk just happens naturally to me. It's just easier. Makes more sense if you will.
Being a christian for me, so far, has been a journey of the few moments of joy where God and I meet. Most of those times have been when I fall to my knees and pour the filth out of my heart to Him, and He handles the rest of it.
There's a song by Switchfoot that talks about how he's on fire when He's near him, he's on fire when He speaks. It's like that with me. I can be on fire so long but I guess I become too aware that I am on fire and it feels like that. Like a moment. So short and so fragile, that it will eventually die on its own.
It's like I know I'm trying and I know I'm doing my best to do things differently. To be a better man and to be who I can be. But in that awareness I find discomfort and disappointment, because it doesn't feel natural. You may argue that 'of course it doesn't feel natural! we're all sinners'. I agree. But I am also a new creature through Him.
Most of the time, I don't feel like one.
I said at the beginning that we are what others make us. This is true, but it's incomplete. There's also what God says about us, and that is what's true.

I am stuck between two men. One, the one I know. I am him everyday and it's easy and full of sense. It suits me well. If you asked anyone about me, you would get a description of this 'man A'.
Then there's 'man B'. The man who is burning inside to know God and please Him. Who has a deep calling from above to make a difference and impact wherever he is. THe man who is victorious and a warrior. The man who is not afraid and is led by the King.

Regretfully, man B rarely shows up, and usually late. Man B is God's man, the one He says I am, and I believe Him. I just fight like Jacob fought until he got that everlasting mark. He would never be the same after that fight. I am in that fight, and I'm not winning.