In the heart
I don't know why I am so... whatever it is that I'm feeling. A mixture of frustration and aimlessness. The idea that I am going nowhere specifically, and that in no lasting way I am making a difference, other than impressing people here and there by the broadness of my God-given talents, I still feel, nonetheless, unaccomplished and empty.
Like I said, I don't know what the problem is. I am surrounded by people who are extremely talented who I've managed somehow to fool them into the idea that I have lots to offer, this church is virtually infinite in its human, economic and technological resources. I lack nothing and many times I've had abundance that I can spare at my own discretion.
Still, everytime there is a window of silence, be at my room or in the midst of my friends, many times I find myself wondering of nothing at all, just realizing that the abyss that I am throwing myself into gets deeper and deeper, and I don't even know why or how I am doing it.
I am convinced that certainly that devil has something or a lot to do with it. Even I don't give myself enough credit to screw my mind and my emotions so bad. I still have some responsability, but knowing the cause of the problem and even the solution, God, it doesn't make so much of a difference, simply because I don't know what to do.
I am in a place where I am not happy. I long almost every day to be somewhere else. I look in hope and melancholy when I watch videos and hear of ministries anywhere else around the world. I wish all the time I was elsewhere, and at the same time I feel guilty and hate myself that I am so ungrateful with all these people that have been nothing but marvelous to me and that genuinly care for me. I am a horrible person in this matter, still, I also realize, very much human.
I also believe God has a lot to do with this. God speaks and makes himself visible as little as possible at this point, so that I walk by faith that He is still there. My problem is that I always sucked and I still do, at having faith. I am being tempered and tested with acid and fire, and I have the feeling this just got started. In my eyes this is nothing. In my eyes, when God says that if you are faithful in little he will put you in much, this promise is self-updating.
In His eyes certainly everything is little, as far as its 'replacingness' goes. Just as we dismiss a penny because we have 200 dollars, just the same, for Him, the owner of the universe, a big ministry is little in His eyes, yet important. The one thing that is actually small but He holds dearest in His heart, is our heart, my heart.
At this point, this littleness that I am supposed to faithful in, is surely that preface of a bigger picture. But when I get there, if I do get there, that big picture updates itself becoming now small according to the new quest He has in store.
Maybe you can relate to my knowing God's promises and even understanding the simpleness of His kingdom. His promises are pretty simple. When you look at life through a God-driven kind of lenses, things are pretty simple. Black and white. Still, somehow, I just don't get it.
Like I said, I don't know what the problem is. I am surrounded by people who are extremely talented who I've managed somehow to fool them into the idea that I have lots to offer, this church is virtually infinite in its human, economic and technological resources. I lack nothing and many times I've had abundance that I can spare at my own discretion.
Still, everytime there is a window of silence, be at my room or in the midst of my friends, many times I find myself wondering of nothing at all, just realizing that the abyss that I am throwing myself into gets deeper and deeper, and I don't even know why or how I am doing it.
I am convinced that certainly that devil has something or a lot to do with it. Even I don't give myself enough credit to screw my mind and my emotions so bad. I still have some responsability, but knowing the cause of the problem and even the solution, God, it doesn't make so much of a difference, simply because I don't know what to do.
I am in a place where I am not happy. I long almost every day to be somewhere else. I look in hope and melancholy when I watch videos and hear of ministries anywhere else around the world. I wish all the time I was elsewhere, and at the same time I feel guilty and hate myself that I am so ungrateful with all these people that have been nothing but marvelous to me and that genuinly care for me. I am a horrible person in this matter, still, I also realize, very much human.
I also believe God has a lot to do with this. God speaks and makes himself visible as little as possible at this point, so that I walk by faith that He is still there. My problem is that I always sucked and I still do, at having faith. I am being tempered and tested with acid and fire, and I have the feeling this just got started. In my eyes this is nothing. In my eyes, when God says that if you are faithful in little he will put you in much, this promise is self-updating.
In His eyes certainly everything is little, as far as its 'replacingness' goes. Just as we dismiss a penny because we have 200 dollars, just the same, for Him, the owner of the universe, a big ministry is little in His eyes, yet important. The one thing that is actually small but He holds dearest in His heart, is our heart, my heart.
At this point, this littleness that I am supposed to faithful in, is surely that preface of a bigger picture. But when I get there, if I do get there, that big picture updates itself becoming now small according to the new quest He has in store.
Maybe you can relate to my knowing God's promises and even understanding the simpleness of His kingdom. His promises are pretty simple. When you look at life through a God-driven kind of lenses, things are pretty simple. Black and white. Still, somehow, I just don't get it.
posted by Havoc at 11:44 AM
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