Just be
A friend of mine said something very true tonight. We were talking about God and the future and stuff like that and she said, and I quote:
"the problem, our problem, is that we're screwed... we're screwed because we know God... (short silence) people who don't know God, who don't even care about Him, many of them get to live a pretty decent easy life. They don't have to worry about eternal things, their spirits or anything like that. We, on the other hand, have these things in our minds all the time, and we can't really escape it.. we're screwed.. in a good, I'm so grateful kinda way..."
I couldn't agree more. In a previous post I say how there's this God who just won't leave me alone and how I'm thankful for it, even though life gets harder and harder as you grow in knowing more about His heart and His ways.
We kept talking about the church and how sometimes, many times, it becomes more like a social excercise rather than an spiritual encounter. For me I know this has been true, but not so anymore. In fact, here's a little confession, I've lived in the states for 9 months now, I think I've been to church no more than 10 times. I'm trying to find a pure motive behind it. I don't want to go because it's the 'christian thing to do'. Hebrews 10:25. says: "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
Fine, I get it. But like I said, I need to sharpen a pure motive in my heart. Many times I've found myself realizing that 90% of the new things I 'know' about God, I got from preachers I hear at church or online. Nothing wrong with that, but it feels to me that I easily forget the individual directness of my relationship with God. See if I have a girlfriend, I don't want to find out about her and what she likes to do or not from her ex boyfriend or her father or her best friends. I want first hand experience, and I easily forget that. I easily neglect that part of my relationship with God because, again, I'm speaking for myself, I tend to 'fill my required amount of spiritualness of the week' by going a couple of hours on Sunday... even more, I WORK AT A CHURCH!
However, I dare to say, I'm not alone in this.
Sure when a pastor preaches and then he makes an altar call for forgiveness of hidden sins or just praying for particular weaknesses or tribulations or whatever, and you step forward and they lay hands on you and you cry as you feel the living, breathing presence of God severing your heart and you fall to your knees and beg and please that He never leaves you again... all of these things are true and beautiful.
When I lift my hands and feel a tender tear flow down my eyes as I sing out a song about His glory, about how He is my savior and my life is shattered without His kind hands, and again, I transition from just boasting about His name and His victory to being bowed down before HIs Holy presence, it's all true and beautiful and it can be, and it has been for me many times, the pivotal point in my life. My life has been defined by 5 or 6 worship times... but it's been a while since the last one...
My friend calls these things, the preaching, the worship and just the church as a whole 'crutches'. Things that allow you to walk. Medically they are used when you can't walk, but what happens later when you have been discharged after a terrible accident and the crutches are taken away from you? It feels scary.. confidence lacks and it's hard the very first steps and it almost feels right to go back to the crutches just in case we falter and fall...
It's the same spiritually. Sometimes we depend so much on these things to feel alive, to feel that we are spiritually sound, that we are actually learning something, and we may even have a good devotional life at home and that makes it very balanced... but what if we lose it all like Job?
I quickly thought of all the things that are of worth for me. My family, friends, a decent, although bleak future.. if all of that was taken away from me... if I lose my hands that I can't play my piano anymore, or become deaf that I can't hear music anymore or lose it all that I can't walk or read.. would I still have the inner strenght, the confidence to say 'it doesn't matter, I still have God and as long as I live, I can deal with this'...
As of now, I know I depend on many things to be able to confidently say 'I am spiritually ok'. I need to know that I am creatively doing something for Him, that someone is learning something from me, that I am making an impact where I am... but what if that isn't important at all? I don't think that what we do or stop doing really matters... what if a picture perfect moment between me and God is Him just singing a song to me, embracing me, loving me, and I, quiet and still just wait for what is coming next.
I'm not dismissing doing things. How boring would that be, but I just feel scared that my spiritual radar is based on what I do or don't do. I know that I get easily caught up on that, and I forget just as easily that what matters is how well I get to listen to Him and feel what He feels, and see what He sees, and be what I can be.
"the problem, our problem, is that we're screwed... we're screwed because we know God... (short silence) people who don't know God, who don't even care about Him, many of them get to live a pretty decent easy life. They don't have to worry about eternal things, their spirits or anything like that. We, on the other hand, have these things in our minds all the time, and we can't really escape it.. we're screwed.. in a good, I'm so grateful kinda way..."
I couldn't agree more. In a previous post I say how there's this God who just won't leave me alone and how I'm thankful for it, even though life gets harder and harder as you grow in knowing more about His heart and His ways.
We kept talking about the church and how sometimes, many times, it becomes more like a social excercise rather than an spiritual encounter. For me I know this has been true, but not so anymore. In fact, here's a little confession, I've lived in the states for 9 months now, I think I've been to church no more than 10 times. I'm trying to find a pure motive behind it. I don't want to go because it's the 'christian thing to do'. Hebrews 10:25. says: "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
Fine, I get it. But like I said, I need to sharpen a pure motive in my heart. Many times I've found myself realizing that 90% of the new things I 'know' about God, I got from preachers I hear at church or online. Nothing wrong with that, but it feels to me that I easily forget the individual directness of my relationship with God. See if I have a girlfriend, I don't want to find out about her and what she likes to do or not from her ex boyfriend or her father or her best friends. I want first hand experience, and I easily forget that. I easily neglect that part of my relationship with God because, again, I'm speaking for myself, I tend to 'fill my required amount of spiritualness of the week' by going a couple of hours on Sunday... even more, I WORK AT A CHURCH!
However, I dare to say, I'm not alone in this.
Sure when a pastor preaches and then he makes an altar call for forgiveness of hidden sins or just praying for particular weaknesses or tribulations or whatever, and you step forward and they lay hands on you and you cry as you feel the living, breathing presence of God severing your heart and you fall to your knees and beg and please that He never leaves you again... all of these things are true and beautiful.
When I lift my hands and feel a tender tear flow down my eyes as I sing out a song about His glory, about how He is my savior and my life is shattered without His kind hands, and again, I transition from just boasting about His name and His victory to being bowed down before HIs Holy presence, it's all true and beautiful and it can be, and it has been for me many times, the pivotal point in my life. My life has been defined by 5 or 6 worship times... but it's been a while since the last one...
My friend calls these things, the preaching, the worship and just the church as a whole 'crutches'. Things that allow you to walk. Medically they are used when you can't walk, but what happens later when you have been discharged after a terrible accident and the crutches are taken away from you? It feels scary.. confidence lacks and it's hard the very first steps and it almost feels right to go back to the crutches just in case we falter and fall...
It's the same spiritually. Sometimes we depend so much on these things to feel alive, to feel that we are spiritually sound, that we are actually learning something, and we may even have a good devotional life at home and that makes it very balanced... but what if we lose it all like Job?
I quickly thought of all the things that are of worth for me. My family, friends, a decent, although bleak future.. if all of that was taken away from me... if I lose my hands that I can't play my piano anymore, or become deaf that I can't hear music anymore or lose it all that I can't walk or read.. would I still have the inner strenght, the confidence to say 'it doesn't matter, I still have God and as long as I live, I can deal with this'...
As of now, I know I depend on many things to be able to confidently say 'I am spiritually ok'. I need to know that I am creatively doing something for Him, that someone is learning something from me, that I am making an impact where I am... but what if that isn't important at all? I don't think that what we do or stop doing really matters... what if a picture perfect moment between me and God is Him just singing a song to me, embracing me, loving me, and I, quiet and still just wait for what is coming next.
I'm not dismissing doing things. How boring would that be, but I just feel scared that my spiritual radar is based on what I do or don't do. I know that I get easily caught up on that, and I forget just as easily that what matters is how well I get to listen to Him and feel what He feels, and see what He sees, and be what I can be.
posted by Havoc at 11:39 PM
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