It just hit me
I'm sitting here alone on my bed. It's late. It's also Friday night. I was expecting these 2 weeks at home to be really cool. I was expecting to get to hang out with my friends a lot, play a lot of soccer, play videogames and pick it up where we left when I first moved out.
I had in mind a time where we would catch up, me and my friends. Where we would watch 24 all over again and fight over what season is the best and who would get to meet Alizée in person first.
Nothing of this happened though.
Tonight I guess it hit me. You know one can only count very few close friends. I can count 3. 2 since college, 1 since middle school. All equally as close, different friendships.
I realized tonight that things, umm.. they, have moved on, and I haven't. I realized tonight that all this time I have unjustly been living in this new place longing and wondering what my friends are doing every weekend here at 'home' while I age in boredom complaining about how all things are expensive and there's nothing to do around here except 'hanging out'.
I say it is unjust because in this process I believe I have shut out some of these new friends of mine. I believe it is unjust because I have been there, but I haven't been there really. You know what I mean.
So tonight is a sad and scary night. I don't think they have forgotten me, we have too many memories to forget, but like I said, they have moved on. Not that I made the gears run or anything, I never was at all the life of the group, but like in any group of friends, every friend has his own role. There's the donjuan who simply has a way with the ladies and is always laid back and fun to be with. There's the social guy who just knows everyone and everyone knows him and knows all the cool places. There's the reserved quiet guy of whom you must be ready because at any given point, if he speaks, he will say something either funny or profound. THere's the one who no one else but us gives a damn about him, but he's just hillarious once you get to know him, and so on.
These friends of mine, clichés all of us, still very dear to my heart, still my friends, are long gone without me, and I just noticed.
I know a goodbye to them does not fit anywhere because really all what happened is what was supposed to happen. I chose to go and leave them behind, finding a new place for my restless heart to find ease, and although they might still not understand what drove my decision... most times I don't even know what I'm doing, they found a way to move on... the problem is, I haven't.
It just hit me that home is where the heart is, but right now, that heart is somewhat shattered, and just like before, I don't know where my home is.
I had in mind a time where we would catch up, me and my friends. Where we would watch 24 all over again and fight over what season is the best and who would get to meet Alizée in person first.
Nothing of this happened though.
Tonight I guess it hit me. You know one can only count very few close friends. I can count 3. 2 since college, 1 since middle school. All equally as close, different friendships.
I realized tonight that things, umm.. they, have moved on, and I haven't. I realized tonight that all this time I have unjustly been living in this new place longing and wondering what my friends are doing every weekend here at 'home' while I age in boredom complaining about how all things are expensive and there's nothing to do around here except 'hanging out'.
I say it is unjust because in this process I believe I have shut out some of these new friends of mine. I believe it is unjust because I have been there, but I haven't been there really. You know what I mean.
So tonight is a sad and scary night. I don't think they have forgotten me, we have too many memories to forget, but like I said, they have moved on. Not that I made the gears run or anything, I never was at all the life of the group, but like in any group of friends, every friend has his own role. There's the donjuan who simply has a way with the ladies and is always laid back and fun to be with. There's the social guy who just knows everyone and everyone knows him and knows all the cool places. There's the reserved quiet guy of whom you must be ready because at any given point, if he speaks, he will say something either funny or profound. THere's the one who no one else but us gives a damn about him, but he's just hillarious once you get to know him, and so on.
These friends of mine, clichés all of us, still very dear to my heart, still my friends, are long gone without me, and I just noticed.
I know a goodbye to them does not fit anywhere because really all what happened is what was supposed to happen. I chose to go and leave them behind, finding a new place for my restless heart to find ease, and although they might still not understand what drove my decision... most times I don't even know what I'm doing, they found a way to move on... the problem is, I haven't.
It just hit me that home is where the heart is, but right now, that heart is somewhat shattered, and just like before, I don't know where my home is.
posted by Havoc at 11:42 PM
1 Comments:
at last. I've finally gotten around to reading these latest posts. although granted it is only the first, I'll bet this one will be my favorite. (no pun intended: I'll keep you "posted") I like the way you described your group of friends, so typical(in a good way) and familiar. reminded me of my own. =) good times
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