Poop

You know lately has been like crap. Sure there's things that still make me happy all the time. Music, Cancun, some friends here, creating stuff, my computer, starbucks and fun stuff like that. However, and you must take what I am about to write in a very open perspective: I haven't found so much joy in God lately.
There are things about Him that are simply fantastic and are awestrucking. I find his ways too high for me, his mysteries way too deep to even dare to unravel and his love utterly incomprehensible. I understand these thigns should make me happy that I get to know a God like this, and I get it, believe me. However, the reason why I am not finding myself right now is because I am far from Him. It's like all the steps I've taken, more than taking me closer to Him have, it seems, drawn me, slowly but consistently, away from Him. Being away from Him is a scary and dark place to be. It is here that I am learning more about the dark ways of my heart, I must admit. In a way I can say I am finding this discovery quite fascinating, however, I can't overlook the fact that I miss home. My heart belongs where He is, and that's where my home is. The smell of the ground He puts me in and the warmness of the waters He stirs to invade me with power. I know I'm being poetic here, but this is actually the only or best way I can think of to describe it.
In a way I know He is still there, and that is what bothers me a little bit. You know, whenever you are in trouble or in despair, any friend, in the best good will tells you 'Don't worry, God is there for you'.
For me it never did the trick you know? It's not that I don't know it. It's not that I don't believe it. It's just that I don't feel it. I know God puts me, us, all the time in trials and things we must endure on our own to build character. Heck He even thought it right to abandon Jesus for a little bit when He was in the peak of his despair, I'm pretty sure He can let me on my own for a little bit.
Bottom line is this, and this I guess is the conclusion of all of this problem. I feel VERY far from God, yet, at the same time, somehow, it seems that I've never been closer.

What the future awaits for me I don't know. I long for the church that I love the most and that welcomes me whenever I wish to go; I yearn to find the lover in my dreams and the family that from within her will flourish; it hurts inside that there's so much I can do and want to do, but so little I am actually capable of doing. I have a team of musicians, artists and worshippers that have robbed my heart and I don't know how to make them better. I feel every time I'm not the right one to do the job, yet most times I feel I'm in the right place. A mixture of contradictions and pathetic feelings is what characterizes these past weeks.

Now there's a song I love by Brian Adams. It's called I will always return:

I hear the wind call your name

It calls me back home again

It sparks up the fire - a flame that still burns

Oh it's to you I'll always return

I still feel your breath on my skin

I hear your voice deep within

The sound of my lover - a feeling so strong

It's to you - I'll always belong



Now I know it's true

My every road leads to you

And in the hour of darkness darlin'

Your light gets me through



Wanna swim in your river - be warmed by your sun

Bathe in your waters - cos you are the one

I can't stand the distance - I can't dream alone

I can't wait to see you - Ya I'm on my way home



Oh I hear the wind call your name

The sound that leads me home again

It sparks up the fire - a flame that still burns

Oh, it's to you - I will always return

And yet another one by Julie Taymor, musicalized by Hans Zimmer. It's called Endless Night.

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise
I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine


I know
Yes, I know
The sun will rise
Yes, I know
I know
The clouds must clear

I know that the night must end
I know that the sun will rise
And I'll hear your voice deep inside

I know that the night must end
And that the clouds must clear
The sun
The sun will rise
The sun
The sun will rise