Fear

Many things happened two years ago when I lived in Arizona. One of them, particularly, was the time I went to the Promise Keepers conference in Tucson. I went with 10 more men from Grace North Church in Anthem. We took 4 hour trip south to Tucson expecting to find something we had forgotten somewhere in Eden.
I didn't know what to expect. I was very in touch with my feelings at the moment. Unlike now that it's remarkable for me to actually feel something, I was very excited.
The opening night was on. Newsboys was opening with a concert and then the only speaker of the night. We all walked inside the stadium and all of us were starving. Hot dogs were the only fast decent thing to eat, but with 8 thousand men that had the same idea as us, it was a little difficult to get food. I decided to let it go and just get my seat.
I wasn't thinking of anything really. I just remembered that as I was in the basement where the food was, on my way to the actual hall, I prayed simply to God that He would show me what He wanted to show me. That was it.
The moment I stepped inside the hall, without even seeing what was going on inside, which was nothing but noise and hundreds of men being loud, a chill soaked my body. The same kind of chill I feel when I know God is dealing with me. I knew something was up.
I waited for my friends to come and I didn't know what to expect.
Newsboys was up. The lights were down and a really nice pad was playing. In that moment something inside of me bursted. The lead singer started speaking. Scripture after scripture, but he was talking so fast and with his accent (he's from New Zealand) that I didn't really understand what he was saying, but his words, as much as I knew they were Scriptures, pierced my heart over and over again to the point where without notice I found myself soaked in tears, crying, not knowing the reason why. I just knew I never wanted that moment to stop. I wanted those seconds to be eternal, because I had had a glimpse of The Eternal, and I found home.
As the music started to get more intense and my tears were flowing more and more, I finally understood the final words he said before he started to sing...
'and all of this is for God to tell you this....'... the music stopped, and he whispered... 'do not fear'

I've wondered ever since what I am afraid of. I know this was God speaking directly to me. It's happened before through prophecy and it's just one of those things when you know that you know it's Him calling you from Heaven. But this particular time was different. So inexplicable and mysterious. I've learned so far that God speaks only loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough so that we follow Him in faith.
But this time, I don't know... His voice was so powerful and piercing. So personal and insightful, like if this was a matter of life or death. Something that I needed to know and my life would be changed forever... information so simple, so critical, yet I don't know what it is.
I don't mean to say I am fearless, I am certainly not. But afraid of what? I remember some lines from a poem by Kevin Max, the guy from dc Talk:

I am solo
In this world of wet
And bitter is my temperament
I close the door to sentiment
And I relish all my youth
I realize that I am doomed
Fear of love and fear of you
But you give me the keys to paradise
It is you who sympathize
You and your perfection grow
I am cradled in your oceans throw
I crave your freedom in this little ship
For you alone can chart my trip
And like these waves I lose my grip
And I sink into your arms

I don't know what is it that I am afraid of, and today, as I talked with one of my leaders about my recent youthful outbursts, I realized, without telling him, that the reason why I do what I do and act as I act, is simply because I am afraid. Afraid of myself that I can't control myself. Afraid that I don't where I'm going or who I am, but mostly afraid that I might blow it and never be the man I can be, and because of my character and nature that I just simply seem to enjoy, I might forever kill that man I am supposed be. A murderer of myself, cruel torture that I don't really die, but I'm also not really alive.

Who am I, then, that I don't even know? Eden's lost for me, of maybe it is I who got lost and forgot where my lost paradise is.